


perfect crime

by moondustis



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Decisions, Confusion, Drama, Dry Humping, F/M, Fights, Friends With Benefits, Misunderstandings, Size Kink, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 12:41:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23411695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moondustis/pseuds/moondustis
Summary: There’s two rules when you start a no-strings kind of relationship: 1. Don’t fall in love and 2. Don’t make it into something bigger than it is. And well, let’s just say you were not the best at following rules.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Reader, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Reader
Comments: 11
Kudos: 155





	1. newsflash

**Author's Note:**

> song recs: perfect crime - tinashe / triggered - jhené aiko / break my heart - dua lipa

Here’s the thing, you and Jung Jaehyun are not dating.

It’s actually far from that. The two of you just happened to hook up one night, then that became another night and now his number on your phone is what you call when you need a little body heat sometimes. So there, you both are just friends with benefits, if you will. Maybe not even friends, acquaintances with benefits would be a better way to describe it.

And here’s another thing. Maybe, just maybe. Like really, hypothetically speaking, you are falling in love with Jaehyun. Which is the number one rule not to break when you get involved in things like that, but it seems like your brain doesn’t work very well when Jaehyun is fucking you and it just mistakes his caring way of eating you out with something else.

But it’s fine, you’re a big girl, who knows how to deal and conceal your big girl feelings. It’s not like you’re going to do something drastic like confess to him or dye your hair pink at 3AM while listening to Beyonce sing about her cheating husband and feel like you too have been cheated.

It’s fine.

☾

“Your hair looks good like this.” Jaehyun whispers on your ear, sending shivers all over your body. “Pink suits you.”

Weird thing to say when he’s balls deep inside of you, but your heart and pussy seem to enjoy it because it makes you clench around him. “Oh.” You dumbly say, fingers gripping the sheets on his bed as he gives you a nice thrust. “T-Thanks.”

He’s good at this, like really good. And it helps that he has the biggest cock you had ever seen. He moves his hips faster, and the sounds of skin slapping makes your head spin. “Fuck. You feel so good, baby. Taking me so well.” His voice is raspy as he nuzzles at your jaw, pressing open mouthed kisses all over it.

“Yes — Yes. Please” You pant as his hands move down your sides, one just lingering on your chest. “Feel so full.”

He likes when you say shit like that because he knows how big he is. Has asked you to say it many times before. “Yeah?” One hand moves down, pressing at your navel and he gives you an insane look. “Feel me here? On your tummy?”

You nod, feeling so close to your high and it just gets better when he presses his thumb to your clit, circling fast on it. He seems close too, by the way his thrusts are getting erratic.

“Fuck, fuck. I’m gonna cum.” He moans and you raise your hips, chasing your own release. You’re so close, so close. Almost there. “Fuck, Yerim.”

It’s like a bucket of cold water has been dropped on you. You watch as Jaehyun comes inside the condom, his eyes shutting closing and lips parting. You just stand there, frozen and feeling extremely small.

“What the fuck.” You whisper, slowly getting out of the shock of what just happened. “What the FUCK?”

“What?” He asks just as he pulls out of you, pulling his underwear up like he has no clue that he just said someone else’s name while fucking you.

You get up, now angry with the blood in your system just starting to boil. “Are you fucking kidding me?” You search for your underwear on the floor, pulling it up, followed by your pants. “Who the fuck is Yerim?”

“What the fuck are you - Oh.” He finally realizes what he’s done, giving you a pathetic look that makes you livid. “Shit. I’m sorr-“

“Yeah, shit.” You roll your eyes. Is he dumb? Does he really think this is something a simple sorry can fix? You put on your shirt and move to grab your purse and keys. “This — Whatever this is — It’s over now.

He finally takes action, getting up from the bed and trying to touch you but you walk away. “Wait —“

“You’re an asshole, you know that? I don’t care that you are fucking other people.” Yes, you do. “But saying their name while you’re fucking me is a bit too much.”

He looks like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing as he looks for the right words to say.

“Don’t fucking call me again.” Is the last thing you say before you are slamming the door shut.

Maybe this time you’ll just shave off your head completely.

☾

You don’t actually end up shaving your head. In fact, you get over the whole thing pretty fast. And Jaehyun, being such a nice guy, helps by not calling you even once just as you asked him to. Probably because he was too busy fucking Yerim, or whatever her name was.

Ok, maybe you weren’t that over it yet, but you were getting there.

“Aaaaargh.” You grunt out of nowhere, throwing yourself in the couch both your roommates are lounging around. Anne, a girl you had met on your first year of college and instantly clicked with, looks at you like you are crazy.

“Can you stop doing that? It’s the third time today you just make an weird noise out of nowhere.” She points out and Jisoo, the other roommate and biggest scorpio you had ever met, hums in agreement.

Your whine is childish and you would feel bad for bothering your friends, but right now what you need is for them to feel bad for you. “Please have some respect for my suffering. Your fake sniffles does nothing to them. “I just really need someone to dick me down, okay? Or else I’ll go crazy.”

“Dickpression.” Jisoo says and you almost laugh. She was right. “You need to stop being dramatic, for starters.”

“Why don’t you just call Jaehyun or whatever his name was?” Anne says and you gasp at the same time Jisoo lets out a hiss. Anne wasn’t present when you had went on a little spiral about how he was the worst guy in the planet and how you never wanted anything to do with him ever again.

“Oh my god, Anne! Are you dumb?” A great friend, Jisoo was. “He cheated on her, let’s not say his name in our sacred space ever again.”

“He didn’t cheat on me.” It sure felt like it to you but you knew it was far from the reality. You weren’t dating or anything, he just happened to make a mistake that broke your heart. Things like this happened.

“Girl, he said someone else’s name while fucking you.” Jisoo says. “That’s cheating to me.”

You just shrug, not really wanting to have this conversation anymore. Just after the whole thing had happened, you had took some time to do some internal thinking and realized that your feelings for Jaehyun were stupid and you should just move on already. Easier said than done, of course. But so far you hadn’t cried once and you sure didn’t want to because your friends were validating your feelings.

“Well, whatever. That’s the past now.” That earns you a little ‘yes, girl’ from your friends. “We need to focus on my present situation and how I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get some action.”

You really were being dramatic. It had only been what, two weeks or so, and you and your roommates knew well enough that you had gone longer than that without it. You were not horny but you were bored, and that was dangerous enough by itself. But you were also heartbroken and a little thirsty for revenge, so that was just key for making bad decisions.

Anne bites on her nail, forehead a little creased as if she’s in deep thought. That probably won’t go well. “I think that what you really need is not dick. What you need is to go out with your friends and have some fun. ” She starts and you raise one eyebrow at her. “Get a little crazy, ya know? Put on a slutty dress and maybe flash your ass a bit in a sketchy club with your girlfriends.” 

She says the whole thing in a weird voice, making you laugh. “What’s this, some sort of intervention?” 

Jisoo laughs too, throwing a pillow at Anne. “Please don’t start going on about how friends are more important than sex.” 

“First of all, they are. Gals before balls, or whatever.” She laughs at her own jokes. “But, for real. We could really go out. And if you still want some action I can hook you up with someone.”

Now that could go very wrong. Your past experiences with any of Anne’s friends had been awful, for starters. She just had some weird dudes on her friend circle and you weren’t trying to get with a weird guy with a foot fetish again. “Like who?” You ask, skeptically. 

Jisoo watches the whole conversation, amusement on her face like she’s watching a soap opera. “I don’t know, man.” Anne throws her hands around. “Johnny is a nice guy, mayb-”

“Oh my god, no fucking way.” You exclaim just as Jisoo jumps in excitement and yells her agreement. 

“That would be so good.” She says and you get a pillow to muffle your screams. 

“Why? What am I missing?” Anne asks.

“Johnny is literally Jae – He’s the cheater’s best friend. That’s such a good idea.” That makes Anne clap excitedly like a child and you sigh loudly. 

“Is it? Is it really a good idea? Like, I’m sure I would be a really bad person if I used that poor guy like that.” You really would. Things were not messy right now but they sure would be if you started involving people that had nothing to do with it into the situation. On the other hand, you really would like to make Jaehyun at least a little bit upset.

You eye Anne as she grabs her phone and starts typing at ii suspiciously. “It wouldn’t, babe. You’ll just go to a party with a nice guy, have some fun and maybe make out with him a bit.” Jisoo says, moving closer to you to rub your arm affectionately. If you hadn’t mentioned before, she was a really good friend. “Besides, you don’t have to do anything with him if you don’t absolutely want to. And if you do, then it will be for yourself not because you want to make some guy jealous.” 

She made a point. “And I just texted Johnny and he said he’s down for it, so there’s no going back now.” Anne deadpans and you let out a mini scream. 

“What the fuck, are you crazy? What did you say to him?” Snatching the phone out of her hand, you read the conversation she just had with him.

Anne: 

hey johnny

what’s up?

Johnny (from Chemistry 101):

heyyy 

nothing much wbu?

this text was a lil unexpected lmao

Anne: 

i know lol sorry

i just wanted to talk to you abt something

theres this friend of mine, ___. 

shes really down lately and i just want her to have some fun, u know?

You playfully punch her in the arm. “You asshole, I’m not down. You made me sound sad and desperate.”

“You were literally screaming about dick not ten minutes ago.”

You scoff. “Whatever.”

Anne: 

so i was wondering if you would like to meet her and take her out this weekend

i heard lee taeyong is throwing a party

Johnny (from Chemistry 101): 

okay…

that really came out of nowhere lol

Anne: 

lol ik 

but i promise you shes really cool

heres a picture for reference ;)

*attached picture*

Your friend was really selling you out like that. And that wasn’t even a good picture. 

Johnny (from Chemistry 101): 

oooh damn

lmao

ok, give me her number :) 

“That was awful.” You hand her the phone back, throwing yourself back onto the couch with a deep whine. How would you even face this poor dude, you had no clue. Maybe you were a little fucked. 

“Stop being ungrateful, I just got you a hot date.” Anne says getting up and high fiving Jisoo. “Now who wants to order some pizza rolls?” 

What can you do but raise your hand in defeat. 

☾

When friday comes all you want to do is hide yourself inside your room and never come out again. 

Johnny had texted you that same day and, for your complete agony, he was really nice. Like, really nice. The type of people that within a week of texting already made you comfortable enough to share an inside joke with. And that would be great, amazing, fantastic, because you had a date with this man that was funny, nice and looked extremely hot. And was probably packing, but that’s beside the point. That would all be great if you didn’t feel like complete shit for using him. 

And yes, ok, you weren’t exactly using him. Maybe just a little. But it still made you feel bad. 

But you were a big girl, you could do this even if you had to listen to your girl power playlist while you put on your ‘slutty dress’ and applied gemstones to the end of your liner, like you were about to star in Euphoria or some shit. And your friends hype you up, giving you that extra confidence you were lacking so that when you walk out the house you feel like you truly are the hot girl Megan Thee Stallion was talking about. 

Well, that lasts for about 20 minutes, which was the duration of the drive to Taeyong’s house. You go literally weak in the knees when you see Johnny standing outside the house where you both agreed to meet up. 

“I can’t do this.” You say because he looks so good, even looking down at his phone to entertain himself while you didn’t arrive. And he was so tall, like probably a good head taller than you and if that wasn’t the hottest thing you didn’t know what it was. 

“Yes, you can.” Anne says, patting your butt and giving you a sweet smile. “Now go get him and make that bitch pay.” 

So you go, legs shaking a bit when Johnny gives you a big smile as he spots you. How long would it take for you to fuck this up, you wonder.

He hugs you like you were long time friends when you come close enough and you almost sigh from how good he smells. “You look good.” He compliments and you almost melt, head going a bit blank when you feel his hand on your waist. 

“Oh, thank you.” The laugh you let out could only be described as awkward but he doesn’t seem to notice. “You don’t look so bad yourself.” That was good. Smooth, carefree even. You let him lead you inside the party, hand still in your lower back as he basically towers over you. 

You feel overwhelmed the moment you step inside the house. There’s not many people, but enough to make it feel like the place is almost too crowded and the song playing is so loud that you cringe. You run your eyes through the room and when you spot the kitchen you drag Johnny by the hand, wanting to get there as fast as possible. You don’t notice you haven’t even thought about Jaehyun for that short amount of time. 

“Let’s get drunk!” You exclaim when you both enter the kitchen and that makes Johnny laugh.

“Alright.” You feel his eyes on the back of your head as you pour the two of you not one, not two, but three shots of tequila each. “Not wasting any time are you?”

“Nope.” You emphasize the ‘p’, dipping your hand in the salt bowl and licking it before you offer the bowl for him and he does the same. His eyes don’t leave yours as he licks the white substance and that makes you nervous for some reason. You shake the thoughts by grabbing your shot and raising one eyebrow at him. “Ready?” 

“Let’s do this.” Is his answer and then you are both downing the first shot, grimacing before moving to the next and by the third one you are already laughing, barely being able to bite onto the lemon Johnny holds out for you. 

You look directly at him, mischief in your eyes, when you finally bite the lemon, sucking of it before the sour taste fills your mouth. He laughs when you let go and your face contorts. “Stop laughing at me.” You playfully laugh, poking your tongue out at him. 

“I’m sorry, I just thought you would handle it better.” He teases. “Suggested doing three shots right away, after all. 

“I just wanted us to let loose, that’s all.” You justify and he hums in agreement. “Want tonight to be really fun.” 

“It will be.” Then he’s holding your hand and pulling you out the kitchen.

It turns out to really be fun. You get drunk pretty fast after the tequila shots and Johnny is so funny that you laugh at almost everything he says. He talks about what he’s studying, about how he detests chemistry and how he almost lost his hair when he tried to bleach it. And he doesn’t mind when you interrupt him when a song you love starts playing and you have to dance to it. 

You let yourself go when you two start dancing, his hands on your waist as you do whatever your drunk body wants to. It’s nice, not thinking about anything but the song that is playing and you enjoy it, swaying your hips and even singing some of the lyrics. It’s really fun, until your eyes focus on something you really didn’t want to see. 

Jung Jaehyun, standing on a wall with some friends that you don’t know around him. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and you can see the silver of his necklace from how low the neckline is. He has a drink on his hand and his friend seems to be excitedly talking about something, but he’s paying him no mind because his eyes are on you. His eyes are on you and your head suddenly starts spinning. 

How long had he been there for? Did he see you basically grinding against Johnny, who happened to be his best friend? Was he jealous? Was he angry? If he did and if he was, that meant your plan worked. You gotten your sweet revenge. But why didn’t you feel happy?

“You okay?” Johnny’s voice snaps you out of your little trance and just then you realize you had stopped dancing. 

You nod your head maybe too fast. “Yeah, sure. I’m peachy.” He gives you a puzzled look, hand brushing a strand of your hair that had fallen into your eyes. You hate how sweet the gesture was. “What about you?”

He smiles at that. It’s easy to make him do that, you realize. “I’m good. Want to drink something?” 

“No, it’s fine.” You reply, speaking your next words without really thinking. “I actually gotta find my friend, Jisoo. To make sure she’s okay and all.” 

Johnny’s probably too understanding for his own good. He lets you go that easily, saying he too will go find his friends and that the two of you can meet later on. It’s so easy it’s pathetic. 

You move from the dancing and drunk bodies until you’re standing in an empty corridor and you let your back hit the wall as you try your hardest not to sink to the floor in frustration. You were dumb, that’s what you really were because you knew exactly what would happen now. 

He finds you easily, probably had been watching you from the moment you walked away. “Fancy seeing you here.” His voice is low as he approaches you, eyes searching for yours and you want to slap his face when they meet.

You snort. “Is it really?”

He just shrugs, offering you his cup and you eye it suspiciously. “Want some?” He asks and you shake your head. 

“What is it?” What you really want to ask is why he’s being so nice and why is he acting like everything is fine between the two of you.

“Orange juice.” Is the clever reply he gives you and you would laugh in other circumstances, you really would. Because you liked boosting his ego, liked seeing his smile when someone appreciates his jokes.

“You’re not funny.” Is what you decide to say.

He raises his eyebrows, probably not expecting that reaction. “Damn, okay.” He looks uncomfortable, uncertain and that is a high contrast to the bubble of confidence he usually appears to be. The first time he met you, he talked to you like he knew you would fuck him by the end of the night. Not in a cocky way, but in a way that made you actually want to do it more. That’s gone now.

“What do you want, Jaehyun?” It’s a genuine question. He had followed you for a reason, you both knew that.

He looks down, almost in a shy manner and it makes you feel inadequate for some reason. “Just wanted to talk to you, I guess. it’s been a while.” He mutters lowly. “Kinda miss you.”

Lies. What does he miss exactly? Talking to you? Unlikely because of all the things you did together, talking was not on top of the list. Your body? Sex? Couldn’t be, because apparently he could get it with plenty other people.

“Well, that’s too bad.” You reply bitterly. “Besides, I don’t really feel like talking to you right now.” 

He looks genuinely hurt at that but only for a moment and you almost feel bad for it. Almost. “Come on, don’t be so mean to me. Im sorry, okay?” His voice drops even lower as he comes closer to you. Risky thing to do, in your opinion. “What I did was stupid. But you can be mad at me forever, we weren’t even dating.”

“Thank god.” You mutter and he rolls his eyes at that. He’s standing very close to you know, hovering above you as you can see every detail of his face. Can smell the perfume you like so much and it makes your head spin.

“It’s not like I cheated on you.” His voice is completely defeated. That’s far from the right thing to say and he knows that too. 

“You really are an asshole. I told you before i don’t — didn’t — care if you fuck other girls.” You hiss, avoiding his eyes. “But what you did was the awful. You made me — You broke my heart“

“I know and I’m sorry, how many times do i have to say it?” He does sound sorry, you’ll give him that. “Come on, can’t we just be good again, baby?” 

Maybe that’s the moment it all goes down. Maybe it was already over from the moment you saw him staring at you. 

“I don’t know, Jaehyun.” But you do know and for a moment you just stare at him like he’s staring at you, wonder if there’s want in your eyes like there is in his. You stare at his lips before he talks again. 

“I like these things on your eyes.” He always hits you with the most random compliments that make you go weak in the knee.

“Please don’t say things like that.” You whine and hit him lightly on the chest. That makes him smile and you wish it didn’t. 

“Why not?” He asks teasingly. 

“You know why.” He knows, he really knows. That’s why he moves his head down just a little so that he can press at kiss at your cheek. 

You should push him away right now. That would be the smart thing to do. The right thing to do. Johnny was probably somewhere looking for you right now, and here you were, letting Jung Jaehyun make you a fool out of yourself again. You should be angry, mad, not putty in his hand. 

“Tell me this, baby.” He whispers against your ear and you feel small. So small he could just grab you in his hand. “Did you come with Johnny to make me mad? Huh? Don’t lie to me.”

“I didn’t.” Yes you did and your plan had worked apparently. But not in the way you expected. “The world doesn’t revolve around your dick, you know.” 

He laughs lowly. “Really? Because I think you did. Dancing all around him like you knew I would be watching.” He tsks, voice is smug and you wish he would just end your suffering. “You don’t have to do that baby. I already want you enough.”

“You’re evil, Jaehyun.” Is all you manage to say, voice slurred. “I can’t think straight when I’m around you.” 

All you can think about is how you want to kiss him right now, and he seems to be thinking the same thing. “You know you don’t have to think at all. I got you.” He murmurs against your skins, lips pressing on your jaw, kissing your face until he stops at your lips and they immediately part for them. 

One of your hands slips to the back of his hair then, closing the distance between you two. It’s a slow, languid kiss and you can taste the alcohol from his lips. Or maybe it’s from yours, but you couldn’t care less right now. His hand holding your face is what keeps you grounded, because the feels of his tongue sliding against yours in opened mouth kisses could kill you right now. 

When you part from the kiss you’re both breathing heavily and his hands stay in your cheeks. “I want you so bad. Always want you.” He says, voice raspy. And who were you to deny him of that when you wanted him just as much. 

☾

He was onto you the moment you stepped inside his room. Lips attached to your neck as you kept a vice grip on his hair, letting him know how much you were liking it. Usually Jaehyun took his time, building you up until you were begging, but tonight he seems to be the desperate one, with the way he grips your thighs, trying to push you closer to him and onto the bed at the same time.

You fall into the bed with a huff, him right on top of you and he continued his work on your neck. Tilting your head to give him more access, you feel the slide of his teeth on your sensitive skin and it makes you let out a moan. He continues doing that for a while, pressing kisses all over your and removing your dress while at it for better access. You give in easily, of course you do. 

“Do you want me?” He asks suddenly, voice muffled on your neck and you nod desperately.

“Yes. Yes, please.” You sound needy, pathetic. You are sure he loves it. He bites your neck after your reply, hands holding your thighs so he could scoop you up in the bed and your legs curl around his waist. 

You watch as he moves to remove his shirt and unbutton his jeans and you follow his lead by removing your own bra, biting your lips after throwing it somewhere in the room. 

He wastes no time in diving in your chest, licking one of your nipples before he starts sucking on it, making you arch your back underneath him like you’re asking for more. When his teeth close around it you let out a loud whine that makes him smirk against your skin. “Always so fucking loud for me.” He mutters and you can only reply with incoherent words. 

He kisses you again then, this time slower, with your mouths parting as he slides his tongue against your teeth before he’s sucking on your bottom lip. He moves his hips against yours in a slow grind, as if to test the waters, and your mind goes blank at the feeling of him hard against you. Fingers raking on his back, you try to bring him closer to you, as if that was possible. 

“Are you wet? Hmm?” He whispers against your jaw and you can only nod. As if to check, he presses two fingers on your clothed core. The way you have soaked through the cotton of your panties seems to be confirmation enough because he removes them, followed by his own underwear. 

Back on you, he drags his middle finger to your slit to your clit, circling it in a torturing way. He inhales deep when you whine against his lips. “Jaehyun.” His name falls from your lips in complete surrender. 

He presses one last fervent kiss to your lips? “Do you want it? — Fuck — Please, tell me.” His voice is strained as his hardness slides through your lower lips and you try to press him closer with your calves on his hips. “Please.”

“I want it - Jesus, I want it so bad.” Is all he needs to hear. In a blur, you watch him reach for his bedside table and retrieve a condom. You watch as he slides it on and then squeezes his cock in his fist trying to calm himself down.

He guides himself to your entrance, pushing the tip inside and your head spins, making you moan loudly. “That’s it. Take me, Baby — Fucking hell — That’s it.” 

it’s pure bliss when he bottoms out, you sighing from how full you feel and him grunting deeply in his chest. His hands immediately grips at your hips and he gives you the first thrust, hard and deep. 

He only gets rougher, each trust hitting you deeper than the last as his hips moves against yours. It’s when he whines against your mouth and brings a thumb to your clit that you know he won’t last long. “So fucking tight, god.” He hisses. “Taking me so well. You always take me well.” 

You bask in the praise, and with another thrust you’re coming all over him, squeezing him in and legs pushing him even deeper. “Oh, fuck.” You almost yell and he swallows it with his lips.

In a moment he’s coming too, with a low grunt and what you think is your name falling from his lips. You can feel him pulsing inside you when his forehead knocks against yours. This was probably the fastest any of you had ever reached your release with each other and you weren’t sure what that meant. 

Closing your eyes as he pulls out, you try not to think about it.

☾

You wake up with a headache and an ache between your legs. When you open your eyes, the surroundings are familiar and it only makes your head hurts even more. You remember every single thing that happened. 

Just as you sit up in the bed, Jaehyun walks in with a plate of what you think is sliced fruit and a glass of water that he hands you. “Morning.” His voice is raspy and his face is puffy, meaning he hasn’t been awake for long. 

“Morning.” You reply, voice barely coming out so you down the glass of water before speaking again. “What time is it?” 

“It’s almost 3pm. We slept a lot” You mutter a little ‘fuck’ as he sits next to you in the bed and it feels weird to be here, unnatural. You had never stayed over before and it shows on how neither of you know how to act. “Here, I cut some apple for you. Might help if you’re feeling sick.”

Now that’s sweet. Too sweet for the occasion. “Thanks.” You take the plate from him, picking one slice and biting into it. It’s silence for a minute, only your chewing and the fan sound filling the room. You try not to think about anything, or else you would have a panic attack right away.

He clears his throat suddenly and you brace yourself. “About what you said in the party. I didn’t mean to.” His voice is barely a whisper as he stares at you. “Break your heart I mean.”

You mutter a little oh, slice of apple falling from your grip. There’s nothing you think of saying, so you just stare back at him. He’s really beautiful, and you had noticed before of course, but right now fresh out of bed and unguarded he looks almost angelic. 

“But I can’t give you what you want.” He continues and each word feels like a punch in your chest. “I’m not ready to be anyone’s boyfriend.”

“Okay. I can understand that.” Your response is flat, dry.

His eyes soften at that. “It’s okay if you hate me.” 

“I don’t.” That’s a lie at the same time it’s not and he gives you a look because he knows that too.” Okay, maybe a little bit.” 

He gives you a sweet smile that only makes you heart ache more and you place the plate he gave you on the bedside table before getting up.

“We can still be friends.” He says while you’re getting dressed.

You cringe at his words. How naive of him to think like that. “We are not friends, Jaehyun.” Your voice is small, not wanting to hurt him even though he just did that to you. “ And… I don’t think I want us to be.” 

“Ok.” Is the only thing he says.

“Ok.” You mimic, before you’re walking away.

☾

The walk of shame is, thankfully, better than the rest of it all. You walk the whole way from Jaehyun’s dorm to yours in complete silence and without a thought in your head. It’s nice not thinking about anything, because these days it seems like your mind won’t let you catch a break. There’s always something in your head, how you need to raise your GPA and how you might fail a class or two, the uncertain thought of maybe not being able to find a job after you graduate. And finally, the one that makes you stay up at night, the excruciating thought of not being good enough for anything or anyone. That’s the one that makes you stay up at night staring at the ceiling as your insides eat you alive and the one that makes it hurt just a little more that Jung Jaehyun doesn’t want you. 

But you don’t think about that at all. Not until you reach your house.

When you open the door you are met with emptiness and silence, and for now you’re thankful for it. You check your phone just in case, as you drop your things in the kitchen counter, and are not surprised to be met with 10 phone calls, 2 of them being from Johnny and a crazy amount of texts. 

You only open the chat with your roomates, quickly going through their messages of worry and sending them one back reassuring you were ok and had just gotten home. After that you shut your phone down, moving silently to the bathroom. 

The cold water of the shower manages to wake you up from your daze. Taking a deep breath as the water streams hit your back, you think back to the conversation. If that could be called a conversation at all. He did most of the talking, like he had it all planned out on his head. And it was so sudden, so quick that you think he probably wanted it to be over fast, like ripping off a bandaid. 

But it was better like this. You wonder if you would have said anything you regretted if you had stayed longer. You shut your eyes tightly. 

You hadn’t cried about it yet. You probably wouldn’t, didn’t really feel like it. This isn’t even heartbreak, if you are being honest with yourself, this is just a bruise to your ego, that the target of your infatuation didn’t reciprocate your shallow feelings. And it hurts, of course it does but there’s ways to fix it. 

When you get out of the shower and finish drying yourself you realize that you don’t want to be alone at the moment. You think of calling your friends, but they wouldn’t rest until you had spilled every single detail and you weren’t ready to do that yet. 

Your thumb hovers the number that had texted you five times yesterday. The first two asking of your whereabouts and the last ones asking if you were okay, and to text him. You don’t hesitate before pressing on the call button. 

It rings three times before he picks up. “___. Hi.” His voice is sweet, even after what you did. 

“Hi, Johnny. I’m sorry for not calling earlier, I just passed out when I got home.” You give a little chuckle, trying to hide your nervousness. 

“Oh, that’s fine. Are you okay, thought? You disappeared last night and then Anne texted me asking if I knew where you were.” It’s an awful feeling knowing you made your friends worried, but you would fix it. You always did.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry about all that.” Your clear your throat before asking the next question. “I was kinda wondering If I could come over… I can bring food, to make it up to you.” 

And he says yes, of course he does. So you get ready, buy the chinese takeout he said he liked and in an hour you’re standing outside his house. 

“Hey, there.” He greets you with the same warmth he did yesterday. Only this time he looks more laid back, with a white t-shirt and sweatpants. It’s a good look. “You’re a savior, I was starving.” 

He takes the food from your hands and you laugh, walking inside his dorm and taking it in. It looks nice and you wish you were here in different circumstances, that you had taken time to actually get to know him instead of rushing everything to fulfill your own ego. “Are you hangover?” You try and make small talk while he gets the utensils he needs before gesturing to the couch in the middle of the room, and you take a seat. 

“Not really. Didn’t drink much after you left.” He places the food on the small table in front of you, opening the lids and you suddenly realize how hungry you were. “Are you?” 

“Nope.” You reply. You only had a headache, but you doubt that was from a hangover. 

“Then one beer won’t kill us.” He jokes, placing the beers he had retrieved from the fridge before finally sitting beside you on the couch. 

You start eating after that, both of you too hungry to talk about anything but Johnny keeps you entertained and you are not surprised to see he’s just as nice as he was yesterday. 

Only when the food is gone and Johnny is cracking open his second beer you decide to say something about what happened. 

“Listen, I’m sorry about last night. I got caught up with a friend and you know, had to help her out.” The lies comes easy and you feel bad, but the truth would be far worst. “I really did have a good time, though. Before I left.” 

He takes a sip before he’s smiling at you. “It’s fine, don’t worry. Shit like this happens.” You stare at his face. It’s impossible that he’s real, with his pretty face and understanding words. “And I had a good time too, was just a bit sad that I didn’t get to even kiss you.” 

That surprises you and you blush at his words. You knew he was at least a bit attracted to you and in the end, wasn’t this the reason you had called him asking to come over in the first place? Isn’t this what you wanted, a bit company? But you didn’t expect him to be the one initiating it. 

You gulp down the lump on your throat. “W-We have time now, though. Don’t we?” 

He just laughs, nodding before he’s kissing you. It’s a slow, tentative kiss and he holds you by the back of your neck. He pressed his lips against yours, before he’s pulling at your bottom lip and you grip at his t-shirt. You’re impatient, trying to lick at his lips to get him to part them but doesn’t let you have your fun. 

He just moves your head to his liking, kissing you deeper and your grip on his t-shirt gets tighter as your try to get him closer to you. 

He chuckles from your desperate ministrations, and you wonder when you had become this person, that is greedy and pathetically needy. That wants things to move fast so you don’t have time to think about Jaehyun. “Easy, angel.” Johnny mutters against your lips. “We have time, remember?” 

You just nod, trying to wrap your mind around that fact. You take a deep breath and start again. 

Maybe this time you would get things right.


	2. tell me what i'm waiting for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And lastly but not least, If you did have sex with Johnny, you are sure you would fall in love with him and well, we all know how that stuff worked out for you.

Here’s the thing, you and Seo Johnny are not dating. Yet. 

As the weeks went by you realized that was no better word to describe him other than dreamy. He made you laugh, waited for your classes to be over so he could take you out for coffee and surprised you out of nowhere by texting you funny tik toks that made him think of you.

He was dreamy and the both of you hadn’t had sex yet. And some may wonder what does this have to do with anything, or even why it hasn't happened yet considering your tendencies. So here are the reasons: One, your thoughts of Jaehyun had practically vanished by now, but that didn't change the fact that your first intentions with Johnny were to use him. Two, you had no idea how to tell him the truth. And lastly but not least, If you did have sex with Johnny, you are sure you would fall in love with him and well, we all know how that stuff worked out for you.

“Hey there, smart girl.” Is what Johnny greets you with when you walk out your very boring and exhausting latin lecture. Sometimes you regretted choosing classic literature as your major. Who even likes words anymore these days? If you could choose you would only communicate your feelings with emojis. “How was class?” 

“As fun as a dead language can be.” You reply just before he pecks your lips. A very intimate gesture for two people that didn't have anything serious going on. Yet. 

You walk side by side, not even discussing where to go because there was only one good enough coffee place on campus and the nearest Starbucks was 20 minutes away by car. “Any latin word you wanna teach me?” He asks and the interest on something related to you makes you feel weird. Good weird.

“Why? You thinking about getting a tattoo?” Your joke makes him laugh and you ignore the butterflies on your stomach. 

“Nah, already got my carpe diem tattoo.” He jokes back and you fake gasp holding a hand over your chest.

“So we are matching?” He looks at you with amusement on his eyes. You love how easy it was joking around with Johnny, like it just came natural when you were with him. “Did you get it on your ass too?” 

He snorts at that and you laugh loudly. “Shut up and just tell me a word or something.” 

“Alright, let me think.” You say, tapping your chin in deep thought as you are walking when you remember something your teacher had said on a class. “Prima Facie.” 

“Oh wow.” He starts clapping and you jokingly punch him in the shoulder. “That was a good accent.” 

“Asshole.” You mutter just as you arrive at the little coffee shop. Johnny gets the door open and the both of you walk inside.

It’s not too crowded but there’s the usual people you see there at this time. You get in line as Johnny continues the conversation. “I’m serious.” He says with a guilty smile and you give him your best ‘yeah, sure’ face. “So what does it mean?” 

“At first sight.” You are honestly just reproducing what your teacher had said in class.

“Like love at first sight?” The mere mention of that word coming out of his lips has you avoiding his eyes, instead you pretend to read the board menu you have already memorized by now. 

“No, it’s like when the evidence suggests something but can’t prove it or some shit like that.” You explain and he lets out a little ‘oh’, moving closer so his lips are almost touching your ear.

“It’s sexy when you act all smart.” He whispers and your cheeks immediately heat up. Your head turns around fast to see if anyone heard it, before you smack him lightly for the second time today. 

“You’re crazy, Johnny.” You mutter through your teeth and he just laughs. 

“Yeah, crazy for you.” You laugh nervously. He always said stuff like that out of nowhere, leaving you in this exact state every time. The waiter calling the next in line interrupts the butterflies in your stomach. 

Johnny orders both of your drinks and maybe later, at 3 am when you have an early class the next day, you’ll think about the fact that he has your favorite drink memorized. And about how he seems to want you dead with every flirty thing he says. But for now you’ll enjoy your iced latte with vanilla as he tells you about his theory that his teacher may wear a wig. 

☾

Friday nights are for ordering takeout and watching reality shows with your roommates while you bicker about which Love Island participant you hate the most. Friday nights are supposed to be peaceful and chill, but your friends seem to have other ideas. You’re in the middle of stuffing your face with cheese dipped fries when Jisoo pops the big question. “So… How’s Johnny doing?” 

The mere mention of his name makes you almost choke and you have to cough a couple time after swallowing the fries. “What the fuck? Where did this come from?” There’s a bewildered look on your face that makes you guilty on the spot. 

“I don’t know…” Jisoo continues, giving you a look. “Was just wondering.”

You squint your eyes at her. “He’s fine. Great, even.”

“God, just spill it already.” Anne finally says, fries still on her mouth as her eyes stick glued to the tv. ‘Is he good? How big is he? Yadda, yadda. That’s what we want to know.”

“Are you kidding me? Have you seen how tall that guy is?” Jisoo adds. “He’s definitely packing.” 

You choke for real this time, having to take a sip of your coke to calm down before you’re trying to think of something smart to say. You can’t lie because they’ll know it’s a lie. “I -- Hmm. That’s none of your business.” 

Anne does look at you now, with her face contorted like you had just said the most scandalous thing ever. “Excuse me?” She fake gasps. If there ever were to happen a competition to see who out of the three of you was the most dramatic, you had no idea who would win. “I happen to have hooked you up with him. So I deserve to know.” 

Your whine is definitely childish, and so is the way you stuff as many fries as you can on your mouth to avoid answering. “Now that’s real classy.” Jisoo says and you flip her out. 

They stare at you until you finish chewing and there’s really no escape here. They won’t take anything but the truth. “Fine, but please don’t make a big deal out of this.” You finally give in with a huff, swallowing the fries down with a loud gulp. “I wouldn’t know if he’s good or packing… because we haven’t fucked yet.” 

You are not sure what’s most insufferable, Jisoo’s extremely dramatic gasp or Anne’s loud laugh. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Comes out of her mouth in the form of a yell.

“Oh my god, I hate y-”

“You have to be lying.” Jisoo says over you, still laughing and you roll your eyes.

“Why? Why is that so hard to believe?” Stupid question to ask, honestly. But you just seem to be perfectly acting like a clown tonight. 

“Why?” Anne repeats. “First of all, you have literally cried before about being too horny to function after a week - A week - without sex. And you have been going on dates with Johnny for like, a month now. Second of all, he’s hot. Like, crazy hot. You wouldn’t let that opportunity pass, I know you, girl.”

She made a point. A very good one, actually. You can admit that you have given indications to be a little sex addicted in the past, but who wasn't, right? And besides, that was the old you. New you likes to take things slow so her heart doesn’t get broken. “I’m serious.” You say, putting your serious voice on for extra measurements. “We are taking things slow, you know?” 

They both squint their eyes at you like they don’t believe a word you say. “Okay…” Jisoo mutters, picking another fry without taking her eyes off you. 

“It’s true.” You try your best not to sound upset. “Can we please drop it now? They’re gonna announce who’s gonna leave the island.” 

That night you don’t fall asleep until the sun is rising with anxiety crippling on your skin. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that you’ve come to absolutely adore Johnny and that he felt the same. But why couldn’t you just let go? Probably because you didn’t really deserve him and would be a burden on his shoulders with all you had done. 

Some part of you tries to reason that that’s just your self deprecating self talking. The other part cries until her head hurts.

☾

Your first year of college had been great. You did well in all of your classes, being complimented by teachers and all. It was probably the excitement of starting studying something you were interested in, but you actually enjoyed learning and even more so, writing and reading. And you were smart, you knew that, had learned greek of all things, for god's sake. But as your final year approaches, you feel the doubts fill your mind and it’s suddenly like you have no idea what to do anymore, because everyone in your class seems to have it figured it out, but you just can't bring yourself to even choose a final dissertation theme.

To make it worst you are completely sure you are going to fail a class. Fucking psychoanalysis of all things. If you could you would definitely punch Freud in the gut for making you go through this absolute hell. 

So all that considered, when you leave your lecture on wednesday, you’re on the verge of tears. And Johnny notices that, of course he does. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Is the first thing he asks, voice filled with worry and you just shake your head. He’s standing outside the classroom, leaning against a wall and looking perfect like he always does.

“Nothing, everything is peachy.” You try to lie but the moment he cradles your face with his hands you let out a small whine. It’s barely there because you don’t cry in front of people. Never.

“Come on, don’t lie.” And then he’s hugging you, pressing your face to his chest and you can smell his perfume. It feels like he’s hovering over you, keeping you safe as he rubs your back. “Who do I gotta beat up?” 

“Freud.” You answer in a small voice, making him laugh and you feel his chest moving where you are comfortably tucked on it. 

“Pretty sure that guy is dead already, babe.” That makes you laugh back at least. “But seriously, you can talk to me.” 

“It’s just… I think I’m gonna fail this class.” You say, still hiding your face.

“Oh, that does suck.” That has you nodding. “But hey, you’re smart you know that right? Failing a class does not change that. And besides, everybody gotta fail at least one class, it's part of the process. It's not the end of the world.

It sure felt like it but you understand what he's saying. And you’re thankful to him for trying to cheer you up. “You’re right.”

“You're amazing. Fuck freud and whatever he said.” He grabs your shoulders to make you look at him.

“Word.” 

He laughs and steps aside to grab your hand as you both start walking. “Now lets go I have something to cheer you up.” 

-

You’re not surprised when the thing turns out to be a nicely rolled joint. You’re actually really happy when he shows it to you, as you make yourself comfortable in the couch. “You’re an angel, you know that?”

“I try my best.” He says as he sits down next to you with a huff. Your thighs are touching and you love how being glued to the other when you’re together just became the most natural thing. You watch as he places the joint on his parted lips, lighting it up before finally taking a drag of it. For some reason you find it extremely hot, looking at him with hooded eyes until he passes the blunt to you and you take a hit of your own. 

After a couple minutes Johnny decides to turn up some music, to properly relax as he says and you let your mind finally go. You just sit there passing the blunt back and forth while taking about anything, your head thrown back on the couch and eyes closed while some jazzy song plays. As the time passes it’s like everything becomes blissful, your mind wandering around as Johnny seems to get closer and closer to you by the minute. 

“You’re so pretty, know that?” He whispers suddenly, making you finally open your eyes to look at him. He’s looking right back at you when you turn your head and it makes a small smile settle on your lips. Your whole body tingles when he moves one of his hands so it’s resting on your naked thigh. What a visionary you were when you decided to wear a dress today. 

“Uhmm, are you saying this just to get a kiss?” That makes him giggle and it’s the prettiest sound you have ever heard.

“Maybe.” He admits and then your eyes are closing again, waiting for him to finally to what he pleases. 

The kiss is lazy, as the moment requires, just a press of his lips to yours before he’s properly pulling you close and sucking on your bottom lip. His hand stays on your thigh, drawing circles that set you on fire, and yours move to grip gently at his hair. Your cloudy head can’t even register when he hums as you part your lips, letting his tongue slide against yours in languid motions. 

It’s like you can overwhelmingly feel everything, the wet feeling of his tongue and the nip of his lips on your sensitive ones. The hard press on his fingers into your thigh when you bite at his lips, before you’re letting go with a wet string still connecting your lips. It’s borderline filthy and messy, but you love it. Love it even more when you can feel him shuddering as your lips travel down his jawline, pressing wet kisses there and then moving on to his neck, where you let yourself get a little crazy. He tastes so good and he sounds even better, with the little sighs and groans as you bite on the flesh. 

And Johnny is tall, so tall that right now, he feels way bigger than you, hovering above you until he decides he’s had enough and practically manhandles you until you’re sat on his lap. You stare down at him, with wide eyes and puffy lips that he mimics, before he mutters a small ‘fuck’ and is kissing you again. 

“You’re driving me crazy, know that?” He breathes out between kisses and just his voice right now is enough to make that familiar feeling you’ve been trying to ignore on the pit of your stomach make itself known. You’re sure you are wet and it’s been so, so, long that you’re one minute from begging him to do something. Anything. “Little menace.” 

You just try and press yourself closer to him, your hips so close that you can feel him getting hard where you have already started dampening your cotton underwear. “Fuck, Johnny.” You whine and he seems pleased by the smile you feel against your lips. 

His hands roam your body, moving upwards your sides until he stops just under your breasts, in a teasing way. “You know how many times I’ve dreamed about having you like this just this week?” He confesses and you can’t do anything but move on his lap as you drop your head to his shoulder in a silent moan. 

You don’t have to answer but you do anyway. “N-no.” It’s barely a whisper and that makes him chuckle.

“So fucking many.” His hand move down again, until they’re resting on your hips. “And you look so desperate right now. I wonder if you thought about me too.” 

You blush, giggling as if you had been caught and your hands grip at the t-shirt he’s still wearing for some reason. “Yes.” You confess back. “I-I have.”

He breathes deeply at that, guiding you to move on his hips just once as if to calm himself down. “What do you think about, huh?” His voice is low and lazy as he turns his face to yours, nose nudging your cheeks sweetly before he’s begging. “Tell me, babe.”

It’s embarrassing but it still makes you want to press against him harder. “I, uhm, I thought about your cock and how - how big it must be.” You whisper and he smiles against you neck, where he was just pressing a kiss. “And how good it will feel inside me.” 

“Not to pat my own back but I’m kinda big, babe.” He doesn’t sound cocky at all, just says it like it’s a fact and that makes your mind spin with the possibilities. “Think you can take it?” 

You nod against his shoulder, maybe a little too excitedly, then lifting your head from his shoulder so you can kiss him again. It’s still slow, but this time you deepen it with your hands on his neck and he takes that as a cue to start moving your hips again. You wish you could say you were not close, but you were. “Plea-Please, don’t stop.” You beg, mouth hanging open as he moves you just a bit faster. 

“No?” He teases, one hand moving to your back until it rests on your ass and he grips it tightly. “Can you come like this?” 

You nod. “Yes, I’m-I will.” He presses you down harder and you can feel him as much as your panties allow, but it’s still enough to have you moving, seeking the friction you want so much until you finally snap. You come with a breathy moan against his ear, still moving slowly on his lap as you feel your entire body tingle and you spasm a little bit. 

You don’t give him much time to think after that. You are sure if you did he would offer something you would never refuse in your state. So instead you dip your hands inside his sweatpants, feeling him hot and hard on your hands as you stroke him, until he too is coming on your hands and with your names falling from his lips as a groan. 

He smiles at you with his chest heaving when you remove your hands from his pants and you smile back, urging the want to lick his cum from your hands. “You’re my girl right?” He says, eyes hazy and filled with something you try not to see as adoration.

“I am.” You say, because what else could you possibly be?

Afterwards you try not to think about it or about how he big he felt on your palm and you count the days until you go mad because of Seo Johnny.

☾

It was bound to happen, sooner or later. And you were sure that whatever had happened, was in the past now. Still, that doesn't change the fact that you were absolutely not ready to face Jung Jaehyun.

It was a saturday night and Johnny had texted asking you to come over and you said yes, of course you did. What you didn’t expect was there to be that many people there. Or for Johnny and Jaehyun to be fake wrestling in the middle of his living room when you opened the door. 

They don’t even notice you at first, too entertained in their little game and so are the rest of the people watching. It’s actually a girl that comes to greet you as you close the door. “Boys, right?” She says, smiling at you and you smile back. She looks pretty and actually very nice. 

“Can’t leave them alone.” You agree and she laughs. “I’m, ___.”

“Oh, I know. Johnny showed us all your picture.” That makes you blush and you hide it with a nervous laugh. “It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m Wendy.” 

You’re about to reply to her when Johnny - and Jaehyun - finally notice your arrival. It’s strange and it makes your palms sweaty, but you are good at pretending, would like to think so at least. Your eyes meet with Jaehyun’s for only a second before you are turning to Johnny, who greets you with a big smile. “Hey, babe.” He says, walking to you so he can kiss you. You don’t look at Jaehyun for his reaction, no. Instead, you let Johnny hug you as he offers you a beer.

Johnny’s friends are all very nice and you like that he actually wanted you to meet them, even if there was no warning to it. Everyone is just chilling, some smoking and you stick either by Johnny’s side or talking with Wendy and a guy named Taeyong, with whom you had bonded over things like Animal Crossing and Frank Ocean. It’s nice. 

It’s not until you have had 2 beers and are standing alone near the balcony that Jaehyun approaches you. And you are not drunk, not at all, but his presence makes your head spin a little. He walks to you slowly, a small smile on his lips. 

“Hi.” He doesn’t sound nervous or even hesitant. It’s almost like he’s greeting a casual friend. 

“Hey.” You say as he leans against the wall next to you. You don’t look at him in the eye, instead you focus on the necklace he always wears. He looks the same to you, like nothing changed, but it’s not like that much time went by anyway. Not everyone had small breakdowns where they had to completely change their appearance like you did.

“Got bored of the pink, huh?” He points out and you just nod. You had dyed your hair on the week after the whole thing happened, it was now a brown shade that had been accompanied by bangs but those had thankfully grown by now,

“Yeah, it was hard maintaining it.” He just hums, taking a sip of his beer and you do the same. You were never really big on the flavor, but after that day with Johnny you started getting used to it. You figure a lot has changed about you since that day.

It’s quiet for a second, you staring straight ahead and watching a dude that had been introduced to you as Mark, tries to very poorly roll a blunt. He is doing it in a messy way that makes the girl next to him rage and your mouth twitches in a smile. 

Your entertainment is interrupted by Jaehyun clearing his throat. “You and Johnny, huh? Seems pretty serious.” It doesn’t surprise you, of course it doesn't. What else were the two of you supposed to talk about? As far as you knew Johnny was the only thing you and him had in common, besides the fact you had slept together.

“Yeah, I guess.” Everyone seems to think that it was pretty serious, Johnny included. 

“Does he know?” Is his next question, making you raise one eyebrow at his vagueness. “About us, I mean.” 

There he goes. “No. Not yet.” It was something you thought about, quite a lot actually. You wanted to tell him but if you did you would also have to ruin the good thing you had now. It was a selfish thing to do, and the weight of carrying the secret was starting to be too much. 

Jaehyun opens his mouth once then closes it, like he’s trying to find the right way to say something.“You’re not like -- You’re not using him to get to me, right?”

You scoff. Sure, you understand why he would think that, but he sounds so full of himself. “We haven't seen each other in weeks, Jaehyun.” You say. “How exactly would I be doing that?” 

“I don’t know.” He shrugs.” He does talk about you a lot.” 

Everyone seems to be saying that to you today. You take a deep breath before you’re speaking again “But I’m not using him, I’m not that bad of a person.” Or are you? Sometimes you’re not really sure. “I actually really like him.” 

Jaehyun laughs at that, his eyes changing when he looks at you but you can’t exactly pinpoint the emotion. He’s not very easy to read. “I don’t think you’re a bad person. Damn, if anyone here is, I’m sure it’s me.” 

You avoid his eyes again, occupying yourself with the hem of your skirt. Your eyebrows furrow at the implication of what he said. “Not wanting to date me doesn't make you bad.” You say as a matter of fact. 

“It doesn't. But I'm pretty sure being jealous of seeing you with him does.” Your mouth tightens at his words. That’s not something he should be saying right now and it feels like he’s trying to get to you in some way. 

“Jaehyun...” Your voice is low and he just laughs again, confusing you further. You watch with squinted eyes as he finishes the rest of his beer in one gulp. 

“But hey, I think it's a good thing.” He continues, like he hadn't just said something you consider scandalous. “You deserve someone like Johnny. He’ll treat you right.” 

His tone implies that he means it but you don’t know if you should believe him. Not about the part about Johnny treating you right or that he thinks it’s good. What you’re not sure about is if you actually deserve Johnny. “Thank you.” Is what you say, anyway.

“But you have to tell him.” He adds quickly.” About what happened.”

“I know.” You know it very well. “And I will. Soon.”

“Alright.” His dimples come out when he smiles this time. It’s another too friendly gesture when he nudges your arm playfully. “If it doesn't work out though, you can always call me”

You let out an exasperated sigh. “Dude, what the fuck.”

“I'm just kidding.” He says, throwing his arms as if in surrender before he lets them drop down at his side again. “But that friend offer is still up.”

Maybe if you and Jaehyun had met in different circumstances you would had been good friends. If you had actually taken the time to get to know each other before things went downhill, he might have been someone you would want to have a friendship with. But now you still don’t think that would ever work out. Still, you smile back at him and teasingly say “I'll think about it.”

Johnny chooses perfectly that moment to interrupt the conversation, walking to where the two of you are. “What are you two talking about, huh?” He asks, poking your stomach playfully. 

Jaehyun is quicker than you. “About how this beer sucks.” He says, smartly. 

Johnny fakes a gasp that genuinely makes you laugh, forgetting momentarily about the conversation you just had. “Bring your own next time then, asshole.” 

You have a hard time enjoying the rest of the night after that, the anxiety starting to settle in. So you bid your goodbyes, telling Johnny you had to be up early tomorrow to study when he offers for you to stay the night. And he understands, of course he does.

☾

A week after the conversation with Jaehyun, you feel the weight of your action finally come crashing down on you. It’s like you can’t focus on anything else but the guilty crawling your throat until you finally spill the words.

“There’s something I have to tell you.” You’re on Johnny’s couch when the words come rushing out of your mouth, after full 30 minutes of pretending to watch the movie he had chosen. 

Johnny lets a little startled noise from the suddenness of your words. “Damn, okay.” He moves to grab the remote as you try to calm your breathing down, then he’s pausing the movie and turning so he can look at you. You wish he wouldn’t. 

You had thought about this millions time before, even practiced what you were going to say. But right now your mind doesn't seem to be cooperating and you’re left running your hands through your hair with sweat starting to form on your palms. “ I - I - Please promise me you won’t get mad at me. Please?” His eyebrows draw together because of the desperation in your voice and you hate to be this person that has to beg for someone’s mercy. Still, he mutters a little ‘ok’. “Well, what happened was - Uhm, before you and I met I actually… I had this thing going on with Jaehyun.”

“This thing?” He raises one eyebrow at that, eyeing you suspiciously. 

Your hand flutters to your neck as you try to choose the right words. “Yeah, we - God, this is hard. We slept together. A few times.”

Time feels like it pauses for a second with him just staring at you. But then he lets out a long hum. “And you are not sleeping together anymore?” Is what he asks and you almost jump in your urge to utter the following words. 

“No. Oh my god, no.” You almost spit the words out with how fast you say them.

“Then what’s the matter? Jaehyun is like my brother, but I’m not like, territorial.” His voice is too relaxed for the situation, a high contrast from your overall behaviour. He’s being too understanding already and it makes your hands half-curl into fists. “Just glad you upgraded your standards, I’m way better looking than him.” 

He starts laughing, of all things and you feel a sudden pain on your head. “Johnny, no… Listen,” You swallow the lump in your throat. “That’s not all.” 

You watch as the smile falls from his face, the pain in your head settling for a constant throbbing as you feel your eyes sting. He rubs his face before he speaks again. “Now you're scaring me.”

“I’m sorry. I really am.” You avoid his eyes now, instead looking at your hands on your lap and how your nail polish is starting to chip. How could you ever hurt someone that did nothing but make you happy like Johnny did? “T-That time, at the party, remember? When we met. He - Jaehyun did something that made me really upset. Like really upset. And I - Well, I needed something to distract me.”

You talk taking long pauses to breath, the words just swimming in your head as he urges you on. You pick at a cuticle, ripping it off and watching the blood pool on your finger. “And maybe… Maybe I wanted some revenge for what he did, so going out with you was actually a way to get to him. To make him jealous.” 

You decide then to look at him and you wish you didn’t. His lips are pressed tight and you can’t really read the look on his eyes, they just look back at you with brows slightly furrowed. 

“But I ended up having a really good time, I promise you and I’m so s-sorry.” Your voice cracks and you feel your lips trembling. 

His eyes shut tightly for a minute, then he’s looking at you again. A pained look now fills his eyes. “So, that night…. when you disappeared, you were with him, right?” 

God, you are stupid. “Yes.” There’s no beating up around the bushes now. 

He lets out an exasperated breath and a shallow laugh, eyes looking around the room. “Ok, let me get this straight.” He starts. “You fucked Jaehyun that night and the next day you came here, lied and then kissed me.” 

As bad as it was that just made it sound ten times worst. You can’t do anything but nod slowly, head hanging low as you mutter another sorry. 

“That’s -- Fuck, that’s really kinda fucked up, you know?” Even if he’s not yelling you can tell that he’s angry. You wish he would just let it all out already. “ Was - Is that the reason why you won’t have sex with me? Because you feel guilty about Jaehyun?” 

Your eyes widen. “What? No, no, that’s not why.” You almost stumble over the words. “I haven’t had sex with you yet because I’m trying to take things slow. God, I’m clearly not very good at this whole thing but I’m not lying when I say I like you, okay? I like you more than I can handle and it scares me. That’s why I haven’t fucked you yet.” 

You are sure you are crying now and you hate yourself for it. You shouldn’t be the one upset. “I’m really sorry, Johnny. What I did was - It was awful and I truly, truly, regret it.” You continue when he doesn’t reply. “And even if I’m bad at it, I like you and I - I’m trying really hard to be good to you.” 

Your last words sound childish so you just stop talking altogether, quietly chewing on your bottom lips as Johnny looks down on his own lap, one hand resting on his forehead. “I- I’m not sure what to say right now.” He says after a while. “I think I need some time to think about it.” 

“Oh.” You dumbly say, “I guess I’ll - I guess I’ll leave, then.” 

He just nods so you get up, gather your things and leave in a blur. Your head is pounding when you finally arrive at your dorm and rush into your room, downing a painkiller on the way. The pain only gets worse when you cry so much that you can’t seem to stop. You cry so much that all the thoughts in your head are gone and all you focus on is the sound of your own ugly sobs. It’s a pathetic scene and you wish you could just fix this sadness by putting on your girl power playlist or doing something crazy with your hair. But this time you are sure it won’t fix anything, so you just lay there and let your tears put you to sleep.

☾

You would like to say that the days go by in a blur but in reality they drag as much as possible and you can only do so much to keep your mind busy. And maybe you are being a little too dramatic, because it has only been three days since the last time you saw him. But for you, they were three days full of awful thoughts, lots of crying and fighting the urge to just text him because well, you just missed his face a little bit.

Or maybe you missed him a lot and it scared you awfully too much that maybe, he would come to the conclusion that you were a bad person and that he never wanted to see you again. 

When you were not checking your phone in a tiny display of obsessiveness, you tried to study and research for your final thesis. There was progress made but not enough to finally shine a light on what you would like to write it about and that just added to your poor state of wellbeing. Other times you would just sit on your bed, play Pocket Camp and sometimes ask Anne to cuddle you to sleep, which she would if she was feeling generous enough.

What you do get out of it all is the realization that your feelings for Johnny were bigger than you had expected. You thought back to what you had felt when Jaehyun had nicely let you down and what you feel now as you wait for Johnny to do the same, and came to the conclusion that your infatuation with first mentioned boy had truly been stupid. And what was even more stupid was how you thought that having sex with Johnny would be the reason why you fell in love with him. Because surprise, surprise, you already were. And that just made things so much better, didn’t it?

But Johnny is a good guy, even when you don’t deserve it, and ends your suffering quickly by asking you to come over to talk on the night of the fourth day. 

So there you were, outside his door, empty handed and all ready to cry a little when he opens the door to you looking, well, like he always did. Hot and too pretty for you sanity. And he happens to be wearing the exact same shade of purple as you. “Oh, we are matching.” Is the first thing you say, grabbing on your sweater as if to prove your point, and it’s so stupid. You really blew your own mind sometimes. 

He laughs at least, moving away from the door and gesturing for you to get in. “We are.” You wish he would have said something corny like he always did, but he sticks with that. 

It’s a bit tense as you make yourself comfortable on the very couch you had talked to him last and he sits across from you. It’s like a replay of that scene and with the memory so fresh on your head, you feel your heart drop a bit. “So… How have you been?” It’s only been three days, but you are trying to clear the air. 

“Eh… I’ve been better before, what about you?” He asks back and you just nod, muttering a little ‘same’. He takes that as an opportunity to continue talking, his eyes moving to look at yours. “Ok, I’m not gonna like make a whole monologue about this ‘cause that’s just not me. But I really -- Like really, fucking like you.” 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding, shifting on the couch as you fumble over your words. “Oh. I - Me too! I -” 

“And what you did was fucked up.” He interrupts you and you let your shoulders slump, looking down. “But I know you regret it and I - God, I just like you too much and you make me laugh and I-I think I’ll go a little crazy if I don’t kiss you right now.” 

Your head shoots up almost comically. This is not at all what you had imagined would happen and it takes a while for your head to fully process his words but when it does you’re letting out a breathy laughter before you’re throwing yourself on his arms. He catches you, of he course he does, your foreheads bumping and he’s laughing too. And you just smile until he’s kissing your breath away and you have to whisper how you were going crazy as well. 

It’s a messy, desperate kiss with him turning his head a bit to the side to deepen it as his hands press your closer by your back. “I’m really,” You try to mutter between kisses but he just keeps pressing them on your lips “sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know” He breathes out, finally taking a break to look at you with glossy eyes. “Just keep kissing me know.” 

And it’s like something shifts, his hand move to hold your cheek while the other travels down you waist and hips, his lips molding against yours until you’re pressing so close together you are not sure where he begins and where you end.

He lifts you up after some time, your legs locking behind him as he takes you both to his room, dropping you in the bed with ease. You watch as he removes his shirt, knees pressing to the bed before he’s moving towards you and It’s like your brain turns mushy when he hovers above you in all his 6 feet glory. 

He wastes no time in kissing you again, eagerly biting on your lips until you part them and he can massage your tongue with his. His hands roam your body, making you fire up everywhere he touches, until he stops just below your chest, one hand sneaking to he can unclasp your bra in the third try. You help him by removing the item all the way, letting it drop to the floor as he bites your earlobe. “Not taking things slow anymore?” He asks, voice all smug and teasing. 

You forge annoyance by whining, hands gripping the back of his hand as his lips go down to your neck, sucking gently on it. “N-no. I’m ready to take it as fast as possible.” That makes him let out a muffled laugh against your skin. 

He presses one last kiss to your neck before he’s looking at you with mischief on his eyes. “That’s too bad, because I feel like taking it real slow now.” The he’s dropping his head to your chest, one hand cupping your breasts and his lips encircle a nipple, making you almost arch your back from the bed. He does it slowly, sucking on it before he’s gently biting, your moans urging him on.

He continues on his way down, hand already popping the button of your pants open as he slides it off you with your help. He’s good at teasing, you realize, with his kisses against your navel and the slow circle on his thumb on your inner thigh. You can’t do anything but bite your lips in anticipation until he has his fingers hooking on your soaked panties and is pulling them down. 

You let out a gasp as his finger comes in contact with your slit, slowly dragging down to your entrance. “Fuck, you’re so wet.” He points out the obvious. 

“D-duh.” You manage to say and he laughs again. 

He looks at you with eyes that resemble a puppy before his thumb is roughly pressing on your clit, making you drop your head down in a moan. “Are you really going to be a brat?” He sounds almost playful and that makes it even hotter. 

You decide against it, for your own good. “N-no. I’ll be good.” You promise, earning a hum from him and then his fingers are parting your folds, his mouth finally coming down on you.

It is blissful at the same time it is torturing, after a whole month without the feeling, and you have to grip his head when he licks at your entrance, gathering your wetness before he’s moving his tongue flatly to press against your clit. 

He was good at this.You haven't been eaten out much before because well, men. But Johnny was good, enough to have you gripping the sheets on his bed as he licks your clit with just the tip of his tongue before sucking at it like it’s his job or something. And then he’s inserting a finger inside of you, slowly as if to check your reactions and when he receives a moan, he dips another one in. 

And what else could you do but come embarrassingly fast, with his tongue and the squeaking sound of his fingers inside of you making your head spin. It’s the whole deal, your back arching, his names falling from your lips in a squeak and your whole body tingling. The first orgasm was never the strongest for you, and if it already felt like this, you would die to get another. 

He only stops the lazily stroke of his tongue when your body calms down under his grip. You swear you clench around nothing when he moves his head up and smiles at you, his mouth and chin shining wet with your arousal. 

He presses a quick kiss to your lips, making you taste yourself. “Nice?” He asks as if you hadn't just tried to choke him with your thighs from how hard you came. You nod enthusiastically as he lifts himself off the bed to drop his pants to the floor and retrieve a condom from his bedside table. He’s hard and you can’t help but stare at it through his boxers.

“Are you done taking it sl-“ Whatever you wanted to say dies on your throat as he pushes his boxers down, his cock finally free. He’s big, you knew that already. But he’s big and thick and the tip is an angry red as he strokes it with his hand to get some relief, before he’s ripping the condom package open and sliding it on himself. 

You’re sure if you tried to fit him all inside your mouth you would gag and make your jaw sore. The mere thought of that makes your mind dizzy and you let a moan slip out, not even realizing it. Or the fact that he’s been watching you the whole time. “Like it?” His voice is smug but it wavers just a bit. He’s probably as needy and desperate as you, he’s just better at hiding it. 

“Yes.” You waste no time in letting the words fall out of your mouth. “I want you to fuck me so bad.” 

That gets him moving, his body hovering you again, this time with the two of you naked and you bask in the feeling of his chest pressing against your sensitive nipples. “I will.” He promises with a soaring kiss to your lips and his hands moving on your sides. “You’re so hot. God, so fucking hot. Just wanna —“

He moves one arm between the two of you, gripping his dick as he guides himself to your entrance. You bite your lips in anticipation, eyes closing as he presses just the tip before he pushes forward with a long hiss. “Oh my god.” You moan, because the first thrust barely got half of him inside and he’s already stretching you so nicely. 

It’s not until the third thrust of his hips that he bottoms out, hips pressing impossibly close to yours and you pulse around him from how deep he is. You feel full, gripping at his shoulders as he keeps his hips still and eyes closed.” Fuck — Fuck.” He mutters and you get impatient, too desperate to wait any longer so you try to lift your hips, earning a low hiss from his.

“P-please. Please, move.” You beg, voice a mere whisper and he nods, taking hold of your hips as he moves his hips forward in four slow motions before he’s setting a pace that has you letting out small puffs. It’s quick and almost frantic, and you die a little bit with each slide of him inside of you.

He’s not quiet, grunting and whispering praises on your ears as his thumb comes down your clit, circling fast on it. “So fucking tight, babe.” He mumbles, lips hovering above yours as if asking for a kiss. “Such a tight fit, but you’re taking it so well.”

You dumbly nod, head too far gone to say anything back. You’re so close, can feel the tightness on your stomach ready to snap and you want it so badly, so badly. And he gives it to you, his hips snapping quickly as your lips part in a silent scream and your release washes over you in little electric shocks. Your walls pulse against him as your high makes you spasm a little and he continues moving until you stop trembling. 

The he’s manhandling you around so your face is pressed against the sheets, his hands raising your hips to his liking and parting your legs enough for him to position himself. “Okay?” He asks. 

“Y-yes.” You reply, with a hoarse voice and trying to lift yourself on your elbows. 

When he presses against you it’s like he somehow got even deeper, his hips wasting no time snapping against you as his hands push your ass flush against him. He’s all the way in, to the hilt, and he fucks you with strokes that barely get his cock out of you before he’s pressing deeper inside. It sends shockwaves through your skin and you can’t help but clench around him, too sensitive from your last orgasm. “I knew your cunt would feel good.” He grunts and when you look back at him he has a wild look on his face, his chest heaving. “So tight, huh? Fuck, how am I supposed to settle for anything else now when you got a heaven like cunt?”

His hips snap against you, making the sound of skin slapping louder and you have to grip the sheets as your moans are muffled by it. It’s quick and relentless, his hands gripping on your hips tightly as he thrusts hard. “I’m - Fuckin- I’m cumming.” He sounds almost delirious as he delivers one last thrust and you can feel him pulsing inside of you, emptying himself inside the condom with a loud groan of what sounds like your name. 

You can hear his labored breathing before he’s slumping down next to you, a hand resting on his stomach as he calms himself down. You can’t help but let out a breathy giggle. 

“What you laughing at, huh?” He sounds just as out of breath as you are as he moves to remove the condom from him and throwing it to the trash before his climbing in the bed again, turning to his side so he can look at you.

“‘M just happy, I guess.” You mumble, moving so you can kiss him. Your bottom lip fits in between his and you suck on it lazily, enjoying the moment. 

“I’m happy too.” His nose brushes against yours, lips still close. “You make me feel like I’m high.” 

You kiss him again, your stomach fluttering with butterflies. It’s nice and slow and in a way you understand what he says. It does feel like a high that you never want to come down from. 

As you continue kissing, him as close to you as he can be, your mind is blank from any of your anxious thoughts. You don’t think about failing classes, or about not being enough. You don’t think about the past or about how scared you are of love and about how maybe you didn’t really deserve him. You don’t think about anything.

It’s only you and Johnny and the soft press of his lips against yours. And that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, thank you so for reading this fanfic! i would love to know what you guys think about it! 
> 
> if you'd like, you can support me on ko-fi.com/moondustis and request a fanfic there :)  
> i'm also on tumblr @ moondustis.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! you can support me on ko-fi.com/moondustis and request a fanfic there :)  
> i'm also on tumblr @ moondustis.tumblr.com


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